Good Girl Thelma

In Loving Memory of a Hard Case

Thelma is gone

She died sometime during the night

I was not surprised

Right before I attempted sleep 

around 11 pm 

I texted Chad 

on the other side of the house 

to share with him an epiphany I’d had

I was on the toilet when it came to me

Thelma had been sick for nearly a year

Three vet consults but no conclusive diagnosis

On the toilet I remembered yet again 

something I have often forgotten

I saved Thelma’s life already

Twice

First when I found her 

tossed in a bush 

by the side of the road

Alongside her sister Louise

They were just weeks old

Like a pair of hitchhikers

Louise came out first to woo me

Louise all chocolate with golden eyes

The “pretty sister”

Louise all wags and love me love me love me

Thelma was a hard case

From the moment I finally spotted her

Hidden deep in the brush

Suspicious 

Growling

And who could blame her

Seeing as the last human she’d known

Just dumped her 

Once I got them both in the truck

I started crying

And I did not bother to even pay lip service

To the idea I might find them a good home

Beyond the one I had to offer

Louise is

As I write this

Lying at my feet

I’m not sure if she has yet realized

That the body of her sister

Curled into her wooden oval dog bed

Is still now

No more

We—the living dogs and I 

are all sprawled out

Me shocked wide awake

By death

waiting for sunrise and

For the crematorium to open

The other dogs

The living dogs

Carrying on with their snoring

They seem to know instinctively what

I had to be taught

Death is not an emergency

This idea was presented to me

In words

But really it is living at a ranch

That either drives the lesson home

Or drives you off the ranch

This place is teeming with life

And consequently

It is strewn with death

I’m sitting here exhausted

Examining my mind

A lifelong habit too old and stubborn to break

I must analyze everything

My first boyfriend told me once

That he’d hate to be with me in an emergency

That I would suck at emergencies

I don’t know why he said that

Or if it was his words that brought about this truth

I am great in emergencies

Trust me

If you are having an emergency

I am an excellent person to have by your side

And even though this moment is

Not an emergency

Because Thelma is gone now

And she is not coming back

Still I observe the thoughts

And note that pragmatism arrives

The clock tells me we are in the

4 am hour

I know I have guests coming soon 

and then

After that

A wedding

Not just any wedding but

The wedding of a good friend

My brain tells me that if I do not get proper sleep

I will be haggard this evening

So I try to make myself sleep

And as I lie there not sleeping

I recall that it was seven years ago

Nearly to the day

That a tornado ripped across the front yard

And took out twenty-six trees

In the middle of the night

And it was terrifying

After it was over

I crawled back into bed 

and told myself

“You have a wedding today

You have to be rested”

Of course then, as now

I could not sleep

But I remember distinctly

A glorious sound arriving

Just before the sun

The Dawn Chorus

All those mighty trees uprooted

And somehow hundreds of tiny birds

Mere ounces

Had survived

How did they do that?

Oh they were singing that day.

I am sitting here

Too early for the dawn chorus yet

And I am smelling the smell of death

Metallic liquid shit

Barely disguised by the bleach

I splashed everywhere

When at last I admitted to myself

I wasn’t going to fall back asleep

Thelma is right over there

Still and wrapped in a thrift store quilt

Today is Holy Saturday

Of course it is

My soul dog Bubbles

Another street dog

Arrived in my life on

Holy Saturday 2000

I wanted to call her Jesus

But my son overruled

My so-called father died on

A Holy Saturday

And I’d be lying if I said

It wasn’t one of the happiest days of my life

And I remember briefly wondering if

He was trying to get one last dig in

Dying like that

On the Gotcha Day Anniversary

Of the best dog I have ever known

Adaptability is said to be

A sign of intelligence

If that’s true

These last ten months

Have defined me as a genius

I am thinking about

Every one of you who is or has

Cared for

A sick child

A sick parent

A sick spouse

A sick friend

A sick pet

Every one of you who is saying

Or has said

I don’t know how long

I can keep doing this

And then

Kept doing it

I will spare you the specifics

Of how I adapted to Thelma’s disease

I will hint only at the routine

Which wore me out

But I kept doing it

Constant cleaning

All those pee pads

Lily white at night 

And then

In the morning

Looking like Jackson Pollock

Swung by instead of the Easter Bunny

And left those floor canvases

Splattered in brown stench

Pragmatism floats in again and

As when Norris died

(December 23, 2022)

I observe my mind

Thinking

Well things just got

Quite a bit easier

And then 

Am I wrong to

Feel the relief

That sometimes (often) 

Accompanies the end? 

I am grateful for my

Porcelain Throne Epiphanies 

I am so sorry she is gone

But I did not fail her

(I hope)

I saved her

Twice

Her suffering is done now

I think about

The Lessons of Thelma

And I think about

That saying about how

When we find ourselves annoyed

By another

Perhaps it is because 

They are reflecting back to us

Something in ourselves we dislike

Thelma was a hard case

My difficult child

And I realized at some point

I was raising my voice at her

More than with the others

As (it seems)

The adults had tried

To control little hard case me

With their shouts

(As if)

I made a note then

To change

Adapt

I did not always get it right

But when I did

When I caught myself

About to yell 

Instead I looked into her eyes

(As, I now understood

I wished the grown ups had

Looked into my child eyes)

Belly Belly Belly

I said

Belly Belly Belly

And she would

Stop whatever it was

That was

Driving me crazy

And she would 

Expose that belly

And I would rub it

And we would both feel better

Last night

I begged her to eat

I sugared her water

I told her what

I tell all my dogs

Most especially when

I sense they are 

About to go

You’re home

And

You’re safe

Because in the end

Another truth

Prevails

We give our beloveds

The gifts we wish for ourselves

I have chased the dream

Of feeling

Home

And

Feeling safe

For sixty long years

And the closest I

Ever get

Is when I am under

A pile of dogs

Thank you Thelma

Good girl

Belly Belly Belly

I love you