Turn and Face the Strange Changes

[Outtake from my annual Birthday Suit Self-Portrait Series 2025]

Greetings Earthlings. We’ve got a whole lot of new readers this week—welcome everyone! To explain the influx—I have left instagram. I know Zuckerberg is not going to suffer this loss. I know I’m going to suffer a bit. I really enjoyed IG, made a lot of cool connections there, loved showing photos of weddings I’ve performed and videos around the ranch. But I gotta go, need to take some action. (I also canceled my Amazon account.) Anyway, I invited my IG friends to come join over here and many have done that.

So, suddenly some of us are meeting in a different format than we’re used to and I’m contemplating if this migration might signal that it’s time for me to reformat my substack a bit. As I did a couple of weeks ago, I am again breaking form this week, skipping my usual Long Overthink in favor of a roundup of sorts. I’m going to experiment for a little while and alternate between the long essays and emails chock full of the sort of random tidbits I used to post on IG. Let’s see how that goes.

SPEAK UP (INSURANCE UPDATE)

The fuckers at Progressive offered $2414 for Henry’s totaled truck. In my signature fashion, I let the agent know what they could do with their offer. There’s a reason one of my exes calls me Lil Hulk. I actually no longer get the rush I used to get from Hulking Out. Honestly I hate when a situation comes to that. But needs must as the English say. So I sent a STRONGLY WORDED email to the CEO and every pertinent supervisor at the company. Predictably, this set off their alarms and they called me back pretty quickly to say they would do a second appraisal. I told them I wanted $10K—very reasonable. In the end I got $5K, more than double their original lowball offer but a mere half what would have been fair. I don’t feel particularly triumphant. I feel more disgusted thinking about all the people who can’t/don’t/won’t Hulk Out and who consequently get ripped off on the daily. And also it chaps my ass that we need to Hulk Out at all. Ever. Seriously—fuck insurance companies. Just play fair and pay fair you big jerkheads.

NOBODY SPEAK

This here is my all-time, all-time favorite music video. It is at least as fresh now as when it came out in 2016. It is most fitting for this day, one of the most tragic days in our country’s history.

EVERYBODY BE SILENT

Some beloved friends sent this short Thich Nhat Hanh video to me the other day and my heart was so full watching it. I began following the teachings of Thay, as many called him, a couple of decades ago. Once, I even attended a retreat at one of his monasteries and he was there and it was so amazing. That’s where I learned to stop and appreciate everything—every bite of food, every breath of air, and yes, every shit I take. (Now I have Every Shit I Take to the tune of Every Breath You Take playing in my head.) Listening to Thay’s voice again on the video was so calming. These are truly terrifying times we are entering. If you’re freaking out, maybe listening to him will have the same calming effect on you as it does on me. It’s very short.

HEALTHIER EMOTIONAL EATING

My neurospicy brain has some pretty interesting ideas about what constitutes a perfect dish. It must have a variety of textures and discernible multiple flavors. Layered foods are great for this. I recently “invented” what I’m calling Cheater’s Mousse. Get yourself some super thick Greek yogurt (I like Fage 0% fat). Use your Best Spoon to put a bunch in your favorite big coffee mug or bowl. Add some honey, baking cocoa (unsweetened), splash of vanilla and, using that same favorite spoon, give it the DEVO treatment—whip it good. I mean whip it REAL good. Now top it with some sliced almonds and I’m telling you—-mmmmm, MMMMMMMM.

MY NEW GENIUS INVENTION

Mercy the puppy is seven months old, already a monster (60+ pounds) and, like all good big dogs, can demolish a chew toy in under ten seconds. I found a solution to this. I took a pile of single socks and rolled one into the other and so on until I had a sock ball a little bigger than a tennis ball. I tied the open end of the outermost sock in a knot. Voila! A chew toy that really holds up, isn’t plastic, doesn’t come from Amazon, can be thrown in the wash and doesn’t have a choke hazard squeaker in it. I am quite chuffed with myself and Mercy is at least as pleased.

TRUST

Just finished plowing through the audio version of Trust, the Pulitzer-winning novel by Hernan Diaz. It’s about the stock market in the late 19th and early 20th century. It’s metafiction— a term I had been unfamiliar with. Basically, it’s four versions of the same story told from different perspectives. I loved it. Then I did this thing I like to do when I’m done with a book. I looked up the worst reviews and WOW, some people really hated it. I spent some time thinking about the perspective of these thumbs down folks and I guess I can see how the book isn’t for everyone. But I’m still recommending it. Also, I realized that Bezos the douchebag also owns Audible. I have been a member of Audible for more than twenty years. I canceled my membership. Seriously. Fuck Bezos. I’m looking forward to learning how to navigate Libby, the free audiobook app connected to the library.

BABY!

I hosted and presided over a fantastic wedding at the ranch last Saturday. During the reception (although thankfully in the barn and not the reception hall) a new baby goat was born! The son of one of the brides happened to witness the whole messy, bloody, miraculous event and so I have named the baby Ethan in his honor. I was worried about the wee kid making it through the night with the arctic blast blowing in. Google revealed to me that if I provided enough wind break, hay, etc and made sure the kid was dry before sunset everything would be fine. So I did what I could and it all worked out and oh my gosh that baby is so adorable.

THE ONGOING TRIALS Of BEING A LANDLADY

Something is up with my tankless water heater. Anytime anything breaks down out here it triggers a cascade of concerns usually beginning with worst case scenarios. While the problem is likely very simple—the tank seems pretty empty—I can’t stop my mind from coming up with narratives that include problems that are surely far more dangerous and wildly expensive. It’s never fun to not have hot water but it’s especially not fun when it’s in the 20s. I remind myself to look forward to when this situation is resolved and I can gently make fun of myself for having worried too hard.

THE FUTURE

As noted, this is one of the most horrible days in the history of the US. I’m striving to not live in terror, to focus locally, to contribute positively to my immediate community. It’s nerve wracking not knowing what to expect. I’m curious how y’all are feeling, any actions you’re taking, plans you’re making, and how politics are affecting your personal relationships.

On Saturday I received a string of unsolicited texts from a friend of mine, who I love very much and who has been so kind and wonderful to me. This friend, part of a marginalized community, nonetheless somehow got pulled into the MAGA stuff and is now a full blown believer in the Rapist in Chief. The messages I received were not the first time this friend blindsided me with “proof” of why I am “wrong” not to fall in line and kiss the ring.

I replied by asking that we skip political conversations, noting there were other things to discuss. This is how I am trying to handle my relationships with friends who have strongly different political views than me—and I do have friends like this. My friend agreed to stop and then immediately sent several more messages letting me know how wrong I am. I explained that I respect my friend’s right to have an opinion different from mine and I expected the same kind of respect in return. I said what bothered me the most was the proselytizing, a behavior I would not visit upon my friend. I don’t think my friend really heard me. This might be the saddest part of where we are now—politics so divisive that friendships and families are being torn apart. I expect it’s going to get worse. How are you dealing with friends/family that have fallen in love with the insurrectionist?

HAPPY ENDING

Whilst I was composing this offering, the mystery of the tankless water heater got solved. I’ll spare you the long boring details. What’s important is that the mystery got solved by my neighbor Charlie, who is also my good friend and my plumber. He came over on a Sunday in the bitter cold, diagnosed the problem (empty propane tank), and then spent hours getting the tank better secured and re-leveled, which I should have done two years ago. Charlie and I could not be more politically different. We joke about it. We respect the hell out of each other. It can be done. Not suggesting you go out there and aggressively try to become BFFs with the red hatters. Just sharing my experience because it allows me to harbor a little hope. For I’m not sure what. But something.

Courage y’all.

NOTES:

Subscriptions Free and Paid—A note for everyone, but most especially all of you many newcomers. Each week I will mention that there is an option to switch from a free subscription to a paid subscription. There is NO PRESSURE to switch. There will NEVER be any pressure to switch. It’s simply an option—if you can spare $5 per month and dig supporting artists/writers, this is a chance to do that. Another way you can help is to share this substack with others who you think might dig it.

FREE WRITING WORKSHOP— I have a free workshop scheduled for Hampton Branch Library on Tuesday 1/21 at 5:30. It seems highly likely this will be canceled due to weather. If you signed up, please watch for updates or email me directly by replying to this newsletter. THIS HERE LINK will take you to an Eventbrite page that lists all future free workshops which you can sign up for in advance.

New Workshop Series— I’m mulling starting another writing workshop. If I do it, it will be in East Austin, either Mondays or Fridays, likely 1-3 pm. Cost will be $15 per session. We’ll write for thirty minutes then share our writing. Still ironing out details. If you think you’d be interested, please let me know.

Direct Action— I find direct action in times like these helps me feel less helpless. If you share this feeling and would like a way to IMMEDIATELY help someone who could really use it, my beloved friend Shen has started a GoFundMe to move her dying brother to Texas so she can make him comfortable as his time dwindles. If you’re able to throw a few bucks toward this cause, just CLICK THIS LINK.

P.S. BECAUSE I REALLY THINK WE NEED TO REMEMBER THE BEAUTY IN LIFE TODAY MORE THAN EVER…

Here’s one last photo to make you smile. A few weeks ago, one of my two ducks died. It was so sad. I wasn’t sure if the remaining duck would “take” to a replacement duck or attack it, so I did nothing. The remaining duck proceeded to bond with Rosie, the polyamorous Great Pyrenees who also has a thing with Levon the donkey and Mustard the pig. Good Girl Rosie.