As I sit to gather these words on Saturday morning, at this very same moment, my biological family have gathered themselves to lay to rest my brother, from whom I was estranged, and who died last Tuesday of pancreatic cancer, just three days after brain cancer took
“Sibling amputation” - what an amazing phrase. Also the distinction between boyfriends, Boy Friends and boy friends - I learn so much about myself and find pieces of my own childhood to contemplate when I read your latest Crone Poem and Reflection, Spike. Thanks for helping me stay present and feeling it all.
“…steady thrum of background grief…” That feels like a song title, or a psychological summary, or maybe a chapter title in my biography or, hell, the title of the book. In any of these cases, that is so beautifully, purposefully, and accurately said. THANK YOU!
Seems it was a tough weekend for a lot of us. Almost as if the ground beneath us can’t contain its own grief as the world burns. I posted something in a way I never thought I would, but I didn’t have the strength to keep it in any longer. You’re the best, Spike! Keep on, keeping on.
Its so hard to lose so much all at the same time and I think disassociation happens to protect us when too much grief hits all at once. 2011 was the year it happened to me after losing too many people in a row, 5 in all. I haven’t been able to cry real tears since, don’t know what that’s about.
Oh it is so hard. I think part of the reason I am semi-holding it together right now is that in 2018 I lost six people! Six! It was just completely over the top and yes, kind of like no tears left. I have barely cried at all in the past week. I’m sorry you lost so many people, too.
As much as I hate that you're having to deal with this, I so appreciate your sharing it right now. My Family of Origin--the Foos, as I am thinking of them at the moment--have behaved so very badly, by the most objective standards of rudimentary morality, that I am currently grieving this same loss. No one has died. In fact, I am the one whose pancreas has been acting up and they seem to think--without having asked for clarifying details--that I am dying (spoiler: no more than usual). I have been surprised by how comforting it is to hear other people's stories of family estrangement. I don't have the words for the appropriate condolences. If I did, I would send them.
The Foos—haha, I love that! I’m sorry you are also dealing with it. And I’m relieved you aren’t imminently dying. That’s great news. There have been times in my life (probably no one would believe it) when I’ve been going through some fresh hell and thought, “no, don’t tell anyone, you’ve already had your turn.” But then, thankfully, it will spill out of me anyway, and always always there is comfort in numbers and I find so much compassion. Sorry you have to deal with the shit, too. But I can always listen!
very good, true and real story telling here--I read read both and felt like we were sitting somewhere talking about all of it. and I want the memoir, where can I get one?
I greatly appreciate your openness and willingness to share with us. It makes me feel less alone.
My 95 year old father came home from the hospital a couple of weeks ago and shot himself in the head. My mother discovered him. I have been preparing for their deaths for probably three decades, but I wasn't prepared for this. I have great respect for my father's decision to die on his own terms, so I am at peace with that. But this whole ordeal has increased my anxiety which is related to my three older sisters. I am now estranged from all of them. I'm the youngest daughter with one younger brother. I've always been an outsider in my family....the black sheep I suppose. But after rebelling in high school and dropping out, I went on to get my GED. I moved to Austin in 1991 and got my MFA and graduated with honors. I've been teaching art for over 25 years at Austin Community College among other universities, etc. BUT, I will always be the "trouble-maker" in my family because I speak up for myself. I am no longer the little sister that put up with my older sisters emotional abuse. They don't like it when I stand up to them, so now I stand alone.
Being estranged while grieving my father's death is torture. I haven't been included in any of the decisions being made. I am now invisible. Maybe that's for the best.
I guess all that I'm saying is that I understand and relate to you. A friend of mine told me that most bohemian's are estranged from their families, so they find people who become their family of friends. That would be where I'm at.
The Rumi poem that you shared, "Guest House", was recommended to me recently by my "second mom". She's 94 and knows me very well. Such a coincidence! XO
Wow. That is so intense about your dad. I’m so sorry—especially sorry for your mom finding him. I swear—times I’ve had suicidal ideation a big thing that brings me back is imagining someone having to deal with my body in the aftermath. And it is so hard being the estranged, black sheep. One thing I am feeling in the aftermath of all these deaths and some other recent trauma is a voice in the back of my head crying out, “I want someone to take care of me!!’ That’s not really what I want, of course, but I am sure that voice comes from the ancient past, when I was little and not sufficiently cared for. As you know, we never get over that. I’m glad you make art and teach others to do that same. My writing has been such a salvation and helping others write down their trauma is also very rewarding. Very cool your Other Mother recommended that poem! Very wonderful coincidence. Oh, and we both got to Austin in ‘91. ♥️
Resonating deeply here. My mother and father separated when I was in the 4th grade, both of them alcoholics but my mother managed to get sober for me. My father tried but failed. The years of their war over his drinking was most of my childhood. When as a young adult I learned of my father's passing, I simply took a walk alone in the MN snow. That loss grief had been handled for years. Now I am estranged from my brother, last living sibling, over money my late sister left to me. His health is not good. I expect to get similar news about him one day and feel similar emptiness. Again, pregrieved. I should probably be seeing a counselor again... Anyway, thanks for sharing. It's always good to be reminded you are not alone.
Hi Dee, I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, too. It just sucks so much. But you truly, truly are not alone. Thank you for being here and for sharing.
As my friend Lisa Keefauver says, grief is a sneaky bitch. And she's an expert! (That's the title of her book and podcast.) I, too, am a cycle breaker who is well-practiced at dissociating as a coping skill. Along with attempting to feel the feelings, I try to practice telling myself the truth and accepting all of it. Yikes! Way easier said than done. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Oh! I need to check out Lisa’s book and podcast, thank you. Congratulations to us for being cycle breakers. As you know, it’s hard lonely work much of the time. Thanks for sharing your story, too. I am such a fan of strength in numbers.
I have so many things to say but I don’t dare say them because I can barely allow myself to think them. You probably have some idea of what I’m talking about.
Yes I do. And I understand. And if you change your mind and want to think/say them, you are always welcome and safe here. But even if you keep the thoughts and stories to yourself, I really, truly get it.
So much of your writing is deeply relatable and our stories overlap in many ways. I was raised in a fundie religion and am estranged from most of my siblings, me being the youngest of 9. The one sister I was close to died last year of glioblastoma at age 50 and I wanted to crawl into the casket with her, had I been at her funeral, that is. That’s a story for another time. But I lost both of my parents the year before my sister and we had spent the last 20 years trying to come back together after my rejection of their religion. Glad we did that but also those deaths came in 3’s and I’m thinking of you and enjoying your writing. Xx
Hi Jenny. Wow. All that really sucks. I’m so sorry you lost your sister and I’m so sorry about your parents, too. I know some people seem to actually take strength from religion but I have seen it ruin so many families, including mine. I know cycle breaking is so hard but good for us for persisting. ♥️
“Sibling amputation” - what an amazing phrase. Also the distinction between boyfriends, Boy Friends and boy friends - I learn so much about myself and find pieces of my own childhood to contemplate when I read your latest Crone Poem and Reflection, Spike. Thanks for helping me stay present and feeling it all.
Thanks Kelley.
“…steady thrum of background grief…” That feels like a song title, or a psychological summary, or maybe a chapter title in my biography or, hell, the title of the book. In any of these cases, that is so beautifully, purposefully, and accurately said. THANK YOU!
Thank you Emily.
Seems it was a tough weekend for a lot of us. Almost as if the ground beneath us can’t contain its own grief as the world burns. I posted something in a way I never thought I would, but I didn’t have the strength to keep it in any longer. You’re the best, Spike! Keep on, keeping on.
Thanks Jack. I hope you’re feeling better.
Thanks Spike. Every time I read one of your posts, I do feel better
Its so hard to lose so much all at the same time and I think disassociation happens to protect us when too much grief hits all at once. 2011 was the year it happened to me after losing too many people in a row, 5 in all. I haven’t been able to cry real tears since, don’t know what that’s about.
Oh it is so hard. I think part of the reason I am semi-holding it together right now is that in 2018 I lost six people! Six! It was just completely over the top and yes, kind of like no tears left. I have barely cried at all in the past week. I’m sorry you lost so many people, too.
As much as I hate that you're having to deal with this, I so appreciate your sharing it right now. My Family of Origin--the Foos, as I am thinking of them at the moment--have behaved so very badly, by the most objective standards of rudimentary morality, that I am currently grieving this same loss. No one has died. In fact, I am the one whose pancreas has been acting up and they seem to think--without having asked for clarifying details--that I am dying (spoiler: no more than usual). I have been surprised by how comforting it is to hear other people's stories of family estrangement. I don't have the words for the appropriate condolences. If I did, I would send them.
The Foos—haha, I love that! I’m sorry you are also dealing with it. And I’m relieved you aren’t imminently dying. That’s great news. There have been times in my life (probably no one would believe it) when I’ve been going through some fresh hell and thought, “no, don’t tell anyone, you’ve already had your turn.” But then, thankfully, it will spill out of me anyway, and always always there is comfort in numbers and I find so much compassion. Sorry you have to deal with the shit, too. But I can always listen!
very good, true and real story telling here--I read read both and felt like we were sitting somewhere talking about all of it. and I want the memoir, where can I get one?
Thank you, Kathy. I know you’re in the thick of the grief stuff. It really is a bizarre place to reside. I’ll message you about the memoir.
The black lab and the blue pool. Perfect!
A good combo indeed! And I got your books—thank you so much!! Cover looks fantastic!!
I greatly appreciate your openness and willingness to share with us. It makes me feel less alone.
My 95 year old father came home from the hospital a couple of weeks ago and shot himself in the head. My mother discovered him. I have been preparing for their deaths for probably three decades, but I wasn't prepared for this. I have great respect for my father's decision to die on his own terms, so I am at peace with that. But this whole ordeal has increased my anxiety which is related to my three older sisters. I am now estranged from all of them. I'm the youngest daughter with one younger brother. I've always been an outsider in my family....the black sheep I suppose. But after rebelling in high school and dropping out, I went on to get my GED. I moved to Austin in 1991 and got my MFA and graduated with honors. I've been teaching art for over 25 years at Austin Community College among other universities, etc. BUT, I will always be the "trouble-maker" in my family because I speak up for myself. I am no longer the little sister that put up with my older sisters emotional abuse. They don't like it when I stand up to them, so now I stand alone.
Being estranged while grieving my father's death is torture. I haven't been included in any of the decisions being made. I am now invisible. Maybe that's for the best.
I guess all that I'm saying is that I understand and relate to you. A friend of mine told me that most bohemian's are estranged from their families, so they find people who become their family of friends. That would be where I'm at.
The Rumi poem that you shared, "Guest House", was recommended to me recently by my "second mom". She's 94 and knows me very well. Such a coincidence! XO
Hi Judith,
Wow. That is so intense about your dad. I’m so sorry—especially sorry for your mom finding him. I swear—times I’ve had suicidal ideation a big thing that brings me back is imagining someone having to deal with my body in the aftermath. And it is so hard being the estranged, black sheep. One thing I am feeling in the aftermath of all these deaths and some other recent trauma is a voice in the back of my head crying out, “I want someone to take care of me!!’ That’s not really what I want, of course, but I am sure that voice comes from the ancient past, when I was little and not sufficiently cared for. As you know, we never get over that. I’m glad you make art and teach others to do that same. My writing has been such a salvation and helping others write down their trauma is also very rewarding. Very cool your Other Mother recommended that poem! Very wonderful coincidence. Oh, and we both got to Austin in ‘91. ♥️
Resonating deeply here. My mother and father separated when I was in the 4th grade, both of them alcoholics but my mother managed to get sober for me. My father tried but failed. The years of their war over his drinking was most of my childhood. When as a young adult I learned of my father's passing, I simply took a walk alone in the MN snow. That loss grief had been handled for years. Now I am estranged from my brother, last living sibling, over money my late sister left to me. His health is not good. I expect to get similar news about him one day and feel similar emptiness. Again, pregrieved. I should probably be seeing a counselor again... Anyway, thanks for sharing. It's always good to be reminded you are not alone.
Hi Dee, I’m so sorry you have to deal with it, too. It just sucks so much. But you truly, truly are not alone. Thank you for being here and for sharing.
As my friend Lisa Keefauver says, grief is a sneaky bitch. And she's an expert! (That's the title of her book and podcast.) I, too, am a cycle breaker who is well-practiced at dissociating as a coping skill. Along with attempting to feel the feelings, I try to practice telling myself the truth and accepting all of it. Yikes! Way easier said than done. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Oh! I need to check out Lisa’s book and podcast, thank you. Congratulations to us for being cycle breakers. As you know, it’s hard lonely work much of the time. Thanks for sharing your story, too. I am such a fan of strength in numbers.
I have so many things to say but I don’t dare say them because I can barely allow myself to think them. You probably have some idea of what I’m talking about.
Hugs.
Yes I do. And I understand. And if you change your mind and want to think/say them, you are always welcome and safe here. But even if you keep the thoughts and stories to yourself, I really, truly get it.
So much of your writing is deeply relatable and our stories overlap in many ways. I was raised in a fundie religion and am estranged from most of my siblings, me being the youngest of 9. The one sister I was close to died last year of glioblastoma at age 50 and I wanted to crawl into the casket with her, had I been at her funeral, that is. That’s a story for another time. But I lost both of my parents the year before my sister and we had spent the last 20 years trying to come back together after my rejection of their religion. Glad we did that but also those deaths came in 3’s and I’m thinking of you and enjoying your writing. Xx
Hi Jenny. Wow. All that really sucks. I’m so sorry you lost your sister and I’m so sorry about your parents, too. I know some people seem to actually take strength from religion but I have seen it ruin so many families, including mine. I know cycle breaking is so hard but good for us for persisting. ♥️